Smiling Tears

SMILING TEARS

Thus it ends

Life as I know it

Changed today

And I find myself

Facing a new day

The last balloon

Has been cut free

Soaring to destiny

And away from me

I sit alone

In my empty house

A king on his throne

Yet no one around

Free from me

They have flown

Now in truth

Myself I face

In this forlorn place

For some caring

Even a small trace

I reach out to give

Yet no longer here they live

I wander the halls

To the echoing calls

Of the past life

That lived here

Day and night

The din of

Life fast paced

Has with silence

Been replaced

The true question

That comes to mind

Is what legacy

Do I leave behind

Will these souls

Grow strong

Or will their direction

Steer wrong

Succeed or fail

At this start

Is not a portent

Of how life

Will chart

All our lives

Are lived up and down

From one to the other

We circle round

It remains however

I have no shoulder

To cry upon

What approacheth

Is solitude anon

You can say

“That’s life”

And of this

Tis true

Yet what is there

To prepare you

Kids go, parents age

What is the joy

At this stage

It seems I go

From one to another cage

If I was not sad

Twould be bad

For tis human nature

With these we cope

And hold tightly

To life’s rope

My voice echoes

And fills the space

I sing the songs

That emptiness displace

I am grateful

For the chance

A caregiver

Who’s life was enhanced

By assisting others

In lives advance

…..I smile tears

-Shiidon, August 2010

As of tomorrow I will be mostly without children in the house. Shervin is spending most of his time at work, school or with friends. He goes to his mothers more than here as it is closer to all the above mentioned places. Travis is on his way to his grandmother and of the others they are mostly not around. The locks on the doors are being changed tomorrow night (too many times keys were taken from place to place). I will now be back to a life of solitude which I have not lived in years. All the way back the last years, including China, I was not alone. It is a new feeling and one that has both its ups and downs.

I will see my parents soon and will be at my cousin's son's daughters wedding. Two small trips this year. I look forward to the brake.

Leap

LEAP

Leaning over the cliff of self, I pray

It is dark, what is there?

Trust in Him, don’t despair

I love, I care, I want, I need

Forget all that

Trust, take heed

The answers lie below

The truth rushes up, by letting go

And greets you in an embrace

I pray, I cry, I scream

My last hopes, desires

I leap, with joy

-Shiidon, ZhuHai China, 7/13/2000

I remember standing at a window overlooking trees being tested to their capacity when I wrote this and the previous poem. It was a particularly hard time for me and a typhoon was blowing in. It was interesting to go to the beach in the middle of a typhoon. Embrace change. Enjoy what you have in life.

The Tree (China)

THE TREE (China)

Each leaf shivers as the wind blows

A time of change of which no one knows

The winter is ending, the spring is dawning

Mankind awakening from slumber, yawning

To face this new day we must cleanse

Shake off the past with each stretch, each bend

For prepared or not we must face strife

To justify our new hope, new life

When this moment is done and the winds subside

Look to the tree and surmise

Which leaf is left and which is falling

Matters not as the tree is green, pure and growing

-Shiidon, ZhuHai China, 7/14/2000

I was in a state of change in many ways when I wrote this ten years ago. It seems hard for me to believe that ten years and what seems a lifetime have passed in what strangely seems like but a moment.

Elements

ELEMENTS

The waves roll in reflecting change

The mountains roll on standing firm

Between the two do I stand

Waiting, waiting, where do I go?

I am but a vessel tossed about

At the oceans mercy

Where will I go next, I do shout

A tree am I on mountain top

Against the tests I stand, but bend

Will I be tall

Or fall at the end

At one time we sail

At another we stand

Each time growing, leading

To the Promised Land

-Shiidon, ZhuHai China, 7/16/2000

It seems that some themes live with us for years. I was thinking about my time in China, ZhuHai in particular. I was reflecting on the special friends from that lovely city and remembered that there were some poems that I found in my papers that were never posted. I am posting three of them here. They are a different style than what I am doing right now.

It seemed to be appropriate for me to do something different to mark my 200th posting on this blog. Thank you Erica Toussaint for your encouragement.

Please keep the Bahá'í's in Iran in your thoughts and prayers. They are now unjustly serving 20 years for just believing in a better world.

Emptiness

EMPTINESS

The emptiness

Rages inside

A place where sorrow

Doth reside

Like a hot stark desert

It doth burn

Promising nothing

In return

Seemingly nowhere

To turn

Parched and searing

I wander within

Pondering and wondering

Where do I begin

There are tales told

Of oceans giving

Of caring

Of another way

Of living

I scoff at this

For tis a dream

Not a path for me

It doth seem

This eden

Of which they speak

To me of hopelessness

It doth reek

Yet tis this dream

I do seek

Like a nomad

Accustomed am I

To this arid place

So dry

Day in and out

I wander this way

Hopelessness doth hold it’s sway

Occasionally

I sense a breeze

Though methinks

Tis meant to tease

At times

A garden of beauty

Doth appear

Though as I draw near

Like vapor

It doth disappear

What stands true

Tis a place

To start anew

Gazing about

With a newfound view

Like a blank canvas

Much can be done

Not so much

To overcome

Striving beyond

A new birth to come

This is the only place

That I have known

With this solitude

Through life

Have I grown

I look for a new path

To be shown

-Shiidon, August 2010

Each poem I write has a part of me in it. So, while there might be a touch of my feelings reflected here, it is not my current state of mind. Regardless of the level of the poem, whether it is very light or very dark, I find myself spent by the time I am finished. By writing down my feelings and thoughts I have purged them from my heart and find myself in a much more level state of mind. Last night I felt it important to write. I put the pen to paper without any idea where I was going with it. The words started to flow after that.

I noticed that this was my 199th posting to this blog. It has been an interesting ride. I get statistics so I know how many times my page is read but I have no clue who is reading it. There are stories and poems and other musings that have been seen here before. I do not intend to stop any time soon.

Beloved Land of Tá

Note: Bahá'u'lláh refers to Tehran, Iran as the land of Tá as well as the "mother of the world."

BELOVED LAND OF TA

Oh land of Tá

Misguided souls

Doth hold sway

And sully you

In their ignorant way

Injustice doth

At this time prevail

The beloved among you

They doth assail

Causing throngs to wail

Seemingly

To no avail

Oh mother of the world

You are dishonored so

The rise to your glory

Ever so slow

Seven were chosen

At this time

To bear the burden

For the eternal, sublime

These dear ones

Are not alone

Around the world

They’re remembered

In countless homes

These poor innocents

Brought to harm

Had no weapons

From which to disarm

They had no ambition

No need for contrition

They posed no threat

We of them

Will not forget

Those who have harmed them

Will one day regret

The evildoers cite His name

Upon themselves

They bring shame

Upon themselves

They place no blame

They think by this action

There will be no reaction

That people will stand by

And watch others imprisoned

Or taken to die

Methinks they truly believe

Their own propaganda

That is spun to deceive

They do not

Their own self harm perceive

But vigilant we stand

The day of God is at hand

And one day

He will free that land

And everyone

Will live as one

Hand in hand

As it should be done

For now we pray

And write away

For this is our way

To protect the innocent

From those led astray

Oh dear land

One day you’ll be free

By God’s hand

A day truly grand

-Shiidon, August 2010

As mentioned yesterday, this poem was in my head. I was thinking of the innocent Bahá'í's sentenced to prison for twenty years each after two years without any true due process.

These seven are the most visible believers who are suffering persecution. There are over fifty in prison right now. Cemeteries are desecrated and homes violated or destroyed. This is nothing new in the history of our faith, however, it is an active progrome developed by both the clergy and the government to persecute their largest minority.

Bahá'í's are not allowed to work in several profession. A Bahá'í, for example, can't be an optician. This form of repression was evident in Germany during the Nazi era. And just like that time, it is not the innocent who suffer nor is it the majority of the population that causes the suffering, it is the few misguided souls as well as truly evil people in nature that take mankind down such dark alleys.

Our response and reaction? We write our leaders in every country we reside in, which is almost every country. We ask for prayers. We pray. It is in these truly nonviolent and peaceful means that we respond to such brutality.

Please remember these dear ones in your prayers and thoughts.

Exile From Life

EXILE FROM LIFE

When I see

Others together

I look with longing

For that sense

Of belonging

Elusive, as it may be

Attaining that state

I may one day see

I find myself smile

At this curious state

Of exile

When we find

Ourselves alone

T’is our own character

We must hone

For otherwise

We doth sit

And bemoan

Though I live

A life of gratitude

T’is a life for me

Of solitude

The world of others

Just beyond reach

At times

For that life

I beseech

We are each

A world of our own

Surrounded by many

Other Worlds unknown

Some, like butterflies

Go flower to flower

Searching for meaning

Or a place

To draw power

Others stay fixed

And lay deep roots

And with another

Bear varied fruits

But when looking

Deep within

We find ourselves alone

As in that day

When life did begin

In my mind

I create a scene

After some time

I awaken

From that dream

This solitude

May be my bequest

I live at His will

And behest

But for now

As I make my way

Step by step

Day by day

There is something to say

That nothing comes

To one who stands

To grow and change

Action demands

The sun is setting now

Not far away

And soon

The horizon I will reach

On that fateful day

As I look back

What will I see

For now though

Tis a mystery

And I

A forgotten part

Of history

-Shiidon, August 2010

No, I do not need any anti-depressants. I am simply using "poetic license" to embellish a theme that came to me I take it and go with it.

I walked four miles today and am shooting for six more tomorrow. I am finally getting back to where I was before my sinus surgery. There is something interesting in how nature handles the heat. I saw squirrels much more lethargic then usual with a delayed scamper upon my approach. Insects seemed to be taking a break. It seems only the humans were crazy enough to be out in the heat (Heat index of 110 today).

My thoughts on this walk turned to the seven fellow Bahá'í's in Iran that were sentence to 20 years in prison. To be held in prison for over two years with nothing but show trials and then be sent away for that length of time is obscene. They did nothing different than what I am doing and believe in nothing different than what I believe in. For those of you who know me, can you truly say that I deserve to go to jail for being who I am?

Bahá'u'lláh states that "The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice..." Justice was not present for these dear souls who did nothing but serve their fellow believers. In some ways the powers that be in Iran, my motherland, have thrown a gauntlet vainly at God. I fear that in this case God may in turn respond. We shall see. Somehow I do not believe that these souls will spend twenty years in jail. I do know that I, along with millions of others, would gladly take their place. They are not alone. They of course know this and have God to rely on. A poem is swirling in my head and will most likely be put on paper tomorrow. Please pray for these dear souls and may the day when humanity will not stand for injustice anywhere and from anyone come upon us soon.

Here is the quote in its entirety.

O Son of Spirit!

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.

Breaking Free

BREAKING FREE

The emptiness

Opens wide

I fall into

A great divide

How did it

Come to pass

This moment I dread

Has come at last

One by one

They've left my side

No longer with me

Do they reside

Nor by me do they abide

Open eyed and full of life

They rush forward into a world rife

Full of wonder and perils

Like a shell opened

And they

The long awaited pearls

After years these grains

Have grown

Of them I’m proud

To have known

I only hope

In some way

That I’ve improved their lives

Of this I pray

I will watch now

From afar

And from the pain

A new scar

Of this scar I will not fear

But wear it proudly

For tis to me dear

I sit among the debris

The dross left over

As the chicks break free

And fly away

From me

I will remember

The years gone by

And at times

You’ll find I’ll cry

But ti's a sorrow

I’ll not deny

The changes

These souls will make

Will be worth much

Of this, make no mistake

I stand now

And turn away

Their daily needs

No longer hold sway

What stands before me

I know not what

But I myself go forth

To find another source

Of self worth

-Shiidon, August 2010

Well, this poem comes from a most painful place. After ten years of custody of Shervin and then followed by Winrik and Shahdi I find myself without any of them. Shahdi is enjoying her new life in New Mexico. Winrik is at his mom's and about to start College. Shervin is all but gone and working full time, going to college and spending time with his daughter. This has brought much change to my life.

The main result of these steps is that with the departure of Shervin I will no longer have a child at home. This being the case, there is no longer a reason for the other youth to come over. I thought I had one more summer with them all but that is already coming to a close.

I am now finding myself picking up the pieces both figuratively and literally. I have not been alone for over ten years. This is both welcoming and at the same time it brings a sense of sorrow. The ghosts of them are already surrounding me in the house.

Life goes on. I look now to the future and whatever that will bring.

Shattered Dreams

SHATTERED DREAMS

The perfect object

Within my mind

An image subtle

Yet sublime

Over time

I fill in the gaps

Painting in between

The spaces

That can be seen

This icon

Doth take shape

In the form

We doth create

As time goes on

Were eased

Of our creation

We’ve grown pleased

What doth take form

Is from our hopes born

From many years

And a heart well worn

And then

At some point

Our creation

We doth anoint

As we reach out

To that

Which we desire

We are bitten

As if by fire

The object

So carefully

We hath made

Shatters

In a myriad pieces

Easily unmade

When we reflect

Solemn and deject

We realize

That our thoughts

Hopes and desires

Reside within

A world from which

We eventually will tire

It would seem

That this object

Is born of

The world of dreams

As I pick up the pieces

That once were hope

I learn

After so many times

To cope

When we turn

Away from

The world above

We look for

A substitute love

As I sit

Among those pieces

The heart empties

The darkness increases

At some point

In the dark I see

A spark of light

Drawing me

Another object

In my mind

From which to create

Will this pattern

Ever abate

-Shiidon, August 2010

I have started my exercise program again. I have walked three nights this week so am well on the way to my past routine of waling 25+ miles a week. I hope to keep it going. So many things can be seen if we just draw ourselves away for a short time. On these three brief walks I have spied much to be amazed by. On the first night I saw a shooting star. It was fast, small but beautiful. A reminder of how fast small and beautiful our lives in this world are.

The second night out I saw deer feeding or standing in yards along my way. It was inspiring. The beauty of nature is powerful. the stars in the dark moonless night and the summer sounds from the woods just beyond sight.

More poems forming in my mind. More to come soon.