Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Earthly Mire


EARTHLY MIRE
The pain is great
When I contemplate
The self-delusion
That seems innate
When in my mind
A hope I create

I reach out and strive
Keeping hope alive
Only to pull back
And nurse my wound
From my goal deprived

I reel
And creating
A world surreal
In my mind of hope
But reality strikes
And I struggle to cope

Who am I
To aspire
Entering the world
Of desire
And this earthly mire
My very heart cries out
At this burning fire

Would that I had
Just sat back
Content with what I lack
‘Twould almost better be
To have avoided the pain
Of what I want to be
For tis better to be content
With my reality
For hoping for more
Is certain futility

Tis the solitude
I aspire to change
That which threatens
To me derange
For tis not this state
That brings me pain
Tis the longing
That doth remain
My ever present bane

So again
I am in this state
Where I find myself
Self-flagellate
And ruing incessantly
My fate
-Shiidon, December 2011

This past weekend marked the 20th birthday of Winrik and I found myself taking him off to see his mother and most likely his new life.  If all goes well he will be in his own apartment and that will signal the last of my birds that have left the nest.  Yes, we never know when they will come back but in some ways you really can't come back for things will be different.  This loss of Winrik strikes home with the profound sound of emptiness that is in my house.  Yes, Shahdi is coming back soon but for only a brief time as she establishes herself.  She has already had a taste of living on her own and will more than likely get back into that state quickly.  so, here I am alone again.  Every little sound echoes louder than it probably is.  I wait to hear the sound of the ice machine that will not come back or any number of other sounds.
Terry Pratchett has quoted in one of his books something that has been used over and again elsewhere but seems apropos here: "May you live in interesting times."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Eddy on the River of Life


EDDY ON THE RIVER OF LIFE
I spend my days
Deep in thought
Contemplating my lot
Self-absorbed though
I am not

A new life
Comes in this world
And another has left
The heart swelling with pride
The other waxing bereft

Yonder a marriage
Here a divorce
Tis simply an expression
Of life’s force

Watching others
From afar
Yet some close enough
To leave a scar

A life ramping up
Another winding down
One climbing in joy
Another doth drown
In overwhelming strife
Such is life

I find myself alone
Along this bank
Of the river we call life
I watch others
From afar
Close enough
Yet out of reach
A barrier seemingly
Impossible to breach

I run alongside
Doing what I can
To serve others
In life’s plan
Yet outside
I do remain
Experiencing what some
Would call pain

From time to time
One reaches out
And draws near
Yet, as I fear
When I open my eyes
I am alone again
More empty
Than before
With a heart more sore

I double my efforts
In this
Service to others
Lest I be remiss

As I continue through
Life’s ups and downs
I must confess
My driving desire
Tis falling into nothingness
Yet with this thought
I do transgress
So in acceptance
I acquiesce

So I continue walking
Along the shore
Content in wanting
No more
-Shiidon, December 2011 

This is a poem about the observer.  I feel many times like an observer in life rather than a partaker in life. I find myself surrounded by ups and downs.  I see new lives being born and other saying their final goodbye.  In some ways I feel like the book telling the story rather than being the story being told.  the year draws to a close and another one comes along.





Sunday, December 18, 2011

Breakers of Life

BREAKERS OF LIFE

Longingly, I reach out
Grasping nothing
I give shout
Is this what life
Is all about

Wanting many a thing
But emptiness
Is what life brings
To but a whisper
Of hope I cling

The past is gone
A place to where
I no longer belong
Though ti's where I long
To be

Treading water
Is where I’m now
Under overwhelming pressure
Do I bow

The future
Is what I fear
For nothingness
Ti's what draws near
And loss of hope
I hold dear

The stories
That doth me surround
Are many
And with joy abound
Though that same state
Within me, not found
And nothing but a sigh
From me doth sound

When I
Against others measure
Find elusive, their found treasure
And out of reach
Up to them, I do not measure
And dashed hopes,
My only pleasure

It seems in this sorrow
I do thrive
Though beyond it
I do strive
No other state
Do I know
Though a joy
From me doth show
Ti's a way
To soften the blow

The only solace
That comes to me
Is in service
To humanity
For I lose myself
In this path
Hoping to atone
Before I go home
To that world to come
Where just maybe
My fate will dance
To a different drum
-Shiidon, December 2011

Thought not quite related to this poem a theme came to me today. One of my children asked that I take a box to someone. He stated that they were not friends. This is a person that he grew up with. What does that mean. At one point he even informed me that I did not have any friends. His definition of friendship is spending time with someone. I define it a different way. I served in the Bahamas on a project with a friend who now lives in Sweden. We have not seen each other in over thirty years yet I consider him one of my dearest friends. If anyone was a friend of mine they remain so in my heart regardless of the time, distance or frequency of communications. It may be that this is more of the past way of looking at things or the outlook of an optimist. It does not matter. Life is short and we do not need to waste time arguing definitions. All I can do is set the example. It may be that friendship comes and goes but not for me. As he approaches his twentieth birthday next week I will not be surprised to find him alone. I spent my half century birthday alone this year. The outlook is more than likely going to be quite different. He will think that there are no true friends for him while I know that this is not the case for either one of us. Until next time...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Brick in the City of Light


A BRICK IN THE CITY OF LIGHT


The city was growing darker as the years passed. Ethan had lived there for many years. The darker things became, the more restless he had become. He searched in vain in some way to understand the darkness or the elusive light that had only so recently seemed to burn so strongly. The usual cohesiveness that had held the citizens together seemed to be unraveling with and without ceremony. Enough! Ethan packed a few necessities and, without a second thought, left his home for the last time. Without knowing it, he had set out on a journey to find the truth.

As he left the city he entered a vast marketplace which, while outside the city itself, was still tethered to the city for its support and existence. There were many stalls with a myriad of answers to the traveler and seeker. While some of these vendors sold wares of some use, there were mixed among them a host of philosophers offering solutions to the impending darkness. Among those philosophers were many a cleric plying their trade of sorts. What seemed so clear to Ethan, as he would pause from time to time, was that their message seemed to vary little from their colleagues in the city. In fact, it seemed that they were spouting the same message under the guise of new cloths and a slightly altered nomenclature. Though some of these philosophers and clerics seemed to attract a larger crowd than others, Ethan saw no point in lingering long in that market.

It was not until he had passed beyond the hill and had put the city well behind him that he took a deep breath. As he paused for a moment, he reflected upon his direction. He had just left a city that had been his home for his entire memory and yet he was almost giddy with a sense of anticipation and adventure. It was as if that breath of air had cleansed him of the ever increasing foul air of the city and replaced it with the clean air of hope and life. He had decided, almost arbitrarily, to leave the city but had not given much thought of where to go. He looked around and eventually could make out a small trail that led off into the distance. It seemed as good a start as any,and he proceeded along that path.

After some time Ethan approached the crest of a large hill that loomed ahead of him. He felt in some way that he would find his answers on the other side of the hill. He climbed with anticipation and eventually paused at the top. What he saw brought joy to his heart. There was a deep, fertile and beautiful valley that extended far beyond where he could see. A refreshing looking river wound its way purposefully through the valley bringing with it energy and nourishment. The beauty was overwhelming. It was only after some time that he noticed activity not far down the hill. There were many people involved in a building project.

The reason that he did not notice it at first is that the building seemed to be a part of the natural surroundings rather than a scar that was dug to stake a claim for one vain cause or another. He headed down the hill but not all the way. He stopped close enough to have a clear view of the activity but not close enough to be in the way. He selected a spot some distance from the trail so as to be left undisturbed.

Ethan could not say how long he sat there observing. It seemed like days and not time at all. The builders worked tirelessly and with a cohesion that he had not seen in the city in what seemed like a long time. There were other interesting observations. He would see from time to time another who had come along the same path stand, observe and then proceed to the activity below. It seemed, as he observed, that the group below was comprised from people who had chanced along from various paths. While from time to time he would watch someone leave the group, there were far more that were joining than leaving. He was so deep in thought at this point that he did not notice someone approaching him from below. He waited as the man approached.

“Greetings friend” stated the stranger.

“Greetings” responded Ethan.

“My name is Sahat” he stated as he sat down beside Ethan.

“I have noticed you sitting here for some time” he said as he reached into his satchel, “ I thought you might like some nourishment.”

“My name is Ethan” he responded. “I am a traveler from the city,” he responded as he accepted the package. He had not realized how hungry he had been until he had started eating.

“What, may I ask, are you building?” he asked as he finished his food.

“We are building,” answered Sahat, “a city” as he passed his hand across the whole valley and as far as the eye could see.

“A city?” responded Ethan with both a smile and amusement. “Your numbers are so small for such a large task.”

“True my friend, our numbers may appear small to you,” responded Sahat. “You may recall that this mighty river before us started small and humble before it became what it is before us now.”

Sahat and Ethan sat and talked for some time. Ethan was impressed by the optimism and openness that Sahat possessed. It was a refreshing counterpoint to the hopelessness and suspicion that he had left behind in the city. He quickly realized that he felt closer to this new found friend then he had to any of his friends in his past. He realized how much of a deterrent to true friendship dishonesty and suspicion could be by experiencing its opposite.

“Ethan, “spoke Sahat, “I see the day is drawing to a close. Why don’t you join me down by the fireside and stay warm for the night?”

Ethan, ever mindful of his purpose of seeking and finding adventure agreed, and they cautiously made their way down the hill and over to the fire that had sprung up not far from the path that they had been on. They were joined by others who greeted Ethan with the same warmth and openness that he had experience from Sahat. They all seemed from diverse backgrounds and levels of knowledge and understanding. What surprised Ethan was that some of these people who reflected such positive behavior and attitude were from the same dark and depressing city he had just left. It was as if some force had reanimated them.

The discussions took a natural course where various people would ask questions and others would respond. It was a sharing of knowledge rather than a dogmatic response that he was used to. At one point a recent arrival expressed dismay over the condition of the city he had just left and his desire to make a difference. One of the others responded that it is precisely that desire to help that inspired this group. They felt that by answering the call of the architect, they were building the solution to the problems that the city had found itself in.

“Architect?” asked Ethan. “Who is this architect you speak of?”

“The architect” responded a young woman, he had come to know as Adelita, with reverence. “The architect came several generations ago with a plan to build a city. This city was…”she paused “no is, a city of hope, a city of light.”

She proceeded to tell the story of how they came to be. The architect brought a plan. That plan he passed on to the engineer who laid out the design specifications and then entrusted those into the hands of the contractor. The contractor set up the work crews and the committees that would implement the plan so that they could build the city without deviating from the architects original plans.

Ethan did not know at what point he had fallen asleep but he awakened to the sound of the birds singing, the water flowing and the construction of various projects around him. He sat up to find a small meal had been left beside him. He took his meal, collected his pack and started walking among the people and their various projects.

Ethan arrived at a small wall that was being built. He could not say why but for some reason he found himself staring at the various people working away at building that wall. He reflected on the words of Adelita and the architects plans to build a new city. He saw the bricks as they were being carefully laid knowing that with the care and precision that was being manifest this was a wall that would last a very long time. It was amazing watching the architect’s plans being brought to fruition by such a diverse group of people. This thought brought him to another revelation. It became clear to Ethan that the architect must have been an amazing man. For not only was his plan transforming the surrounding valley into a city of profound beauty and purpose, but it seemed another building of sorts was happening. He saw a grander scheme in the building of a community of diverse people and backgrounds into a new city, a city of hope and light. It became clear to Ethan that this city would continue to grow as the disillusioned masses left the old city and discovered this new city. It was clear that this city would grow to overtake and overcome in such a loving and powerful way the decaying city he had left. The analogy of the river that Sahat had brought up had come to mind. Here indeed were the drops that would someday form that mighty river.

Overwhelmed by a sudden sense of purpose and awe, Ethan walked up to the wall and placed his pack down on the earth. He went and stood between two of the others at the wall. He reached down and carefully raised a brick, spread mortar on it and placed it on the wall before him. He turned and smiled at his new found companions and was warmed by their returned smiles. He had found his home.

-Shiidon, December 2011

This story came to me after reading the Priceless Pearl, a book about the Life of the Guardian of the Bahá'í Faith. Photo courtesy Bahá'í International Community.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Light to Light


LIGHT TO LIGHT

In solitude
I sit and reflect
On a world
That of God
We doth neglect
Yet one day
We shall respect
And upon the ashes
A new world erect

The forces of darkness
Doth accelerate
With destruction,
Avarice and greed
The World doth reverberate
And in a perverse way
We latch on
With despair, loss and dismay

Yet all around
Should we choose to see
Are our fellow souls
Striving, to better be
And faced with this light
The darkness doth flee

Our choice is simple
Fall into despair
Or reach out a hand
To our neighbor
Whether next door
Or another land

Focus on the joys
On the accomplishments
No matter how small
For even an avalanche
Begins with one
Overcoming all
Once begun

What makes us
Who we are
Is not our house, job or car
Tis the extent
To which we show
The positive attributes
Within us all
As we know

Each positive step
Whether seemingly inept
Is an advance to the future
Having contributed perchance
To the greater good
Which starts small
From our family, neighborhood

The effect
Tis not unlike
The connection
Of light to light
Becoming ever more bright
Dispelling the darkness
Out of sight
And as we all unite
And these days
Are but a memory
The birth of mankind’s unity
-Shiidon, December 2011

We are now in our second day of rain or drizzle. We are going to have two or more days of rain. A welcome relief from the drought. I am also happy to say that I heard a blessed sound when I opened my back door, the sound of the creek flowing strongly! Yay. Everything is in flux. The world is in turmoil and yet there are rays of light everywhere around us should we choose to see them. Greed and avarice are raising their drawbridges and manning their parapets. One day mankind will see the fallacy in building fortifications that are designed to keep them out and will decide to turn away. Through neglect the walls will crumble and greed and avarice will find their place, as history. I know that this is viewed by many as pollyanaish. It is my belief. I see many a soul walk away from those walls to build a better world, a world of people for people.

Ladder of Tears

LADDER OF TEARS


As insignificant
As I am
I wonder at times
At my place
And must over and again
Myself face

Who am I to dream
Insignificant
And unworthy I seem
No home to be found
In life’s grand scheme

I’ve tread this life
Mostly alone
Though truly my character
It did hone
Yet any destiny
For me is unknown
The solitude I bemoan

Those few times
I reach out for me
I regret the action
I turn and flee
For heavier is the heart
When dashed,
After a plea

The solace
That comes to me
Is when I other serve
And for Him, not me

The tears that come
From time to time
Are but a ladder
For me to climb
Lessons they are
That life is hard
Each one,
A small scar

Tis ephemeral world
Is speeding by
And twill not be long
Before I die

When I leave
This world I know
And to the next world
I do go
I hope a life of service
Will show
-Shiidon, December 2011

I wrote this today while sitting and meditating on life. It is what it is, nothing more or less. I find myself in a creative mood. Now if only I can find myself... :)