Purgatory

PURGATORY

With longing I yearn

For the world to come

My heart doth burn

My whole being numb

Alas, if that place

Is as glorious

As it would seem

In it I do not belong

But tis not for me to deem

Unworthy am I

Or so I feel

Enough it seems

That my mind doth reel

Yet unworthy as well

In this world to be

Now my dilemma

You begin to see

There is much

That I do lack

Tis fear of this

That keeps me back

Yet here am I

Looking for direction

Through critical and harsh

Introspection

My only thought

Is to serve

To my fullest extent

Without reserve

And in some way

I may the beyond

Deserve

-Shiidon, January 2011

I was meditating on this theme earlier today. Several points. Yes, it is somewhat introspective. However, one of my friends said it best. He said that he knows me so he knows that things are not as dark as they show here at times. A way to look at this is that I find a moment, a thought, a place or a theme and then set about trying to paint a picture through words for the reader. Another friend asked if I was happy. What a hard question. They then stated that it was either the past or future that dictated my answer. That was when I thought of the title of this poem.

Eternal Cycles

ETERNAL CYCLES

Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall

Cycle after cycle

Following natures call

The horizon draws near

And those who are dear

Are fast approaching

The point of no return

Their loss I fear

What is dawning upon me

Is the advance guard

I will among them be

And those who follow

Will look upon me

Steadfast, with certitude

I must be

What lessons we learn

Along the way

No one can say

But prepare us they shall

For our final day

Time speeds up

Troubles swell

Though more swiftly

Do we

Those troubles quell

Lesson upon lesson

Doth come upon me

Each one a chance

To a better self be

I look for purpose

In each situation

Though in time

Many are

Of my own creation

I lament

At time misspent

And welcome

The time given

Through service repent

At times I wonder

Through all I withstand

That someone can

The inner me, understand

Or choose to, with me stand

For the moment

The tempests abate

And I can reflect upon

My present state

And upon my fate

Do I await

The storms will come

And if those before me

Are gone

Twill be upon me

To trod on

And so it goes

On and on

Life’s cycle

Each generation

Following thereupon

-Shiidon, January 2011

Timelessness is fast disappearing for me. We face mortality as we age and come to the understanding that we are not going to be here forever. My parents are fast approaching the middle of their octogenerion years. They have reached that highest level that we reach in this world before we are called into the true world of being. As their generation wings its flight to the hereafter I will find myself with no one in front of me. I am of the next generation. Mind you mortality manifests itself in different ways for each of us. However, it is waves of generations that I am speaking of. I sometimes image lemmings going to a cliff. I am suddenly on the edge and it's my turn. At some point it will be my turn to wing my flight to the worlds to come.

All this has put into sharp relief my appreciation for my family, for my friends both near and far. I appreciate and cherish the hours of conversation that uplift and carry the soul higher. As mentioned before in another post, do not take anything for grated in this life. Do not live a life of regret nor one of missed opportunities. I am trying to live by these words and to serve my fellow man as much as I can.

I Sit in Wonder

I SIT IN WONDER

I sit in wonder

How is it

That one simple act

Can change everything

“just like that?”

The levels I can climb

When one is kind

To me of super heroes

Doth remind

No obstacle can

In my way stand

All is connected

Strand by strand

Floating in peace

Upon clouds of fleece

My whole being glowing

To all showing

That I am again growing

From this source

I am knowing

The light shines in the dark

Its source is

At first a spark

Which can be as simple

As a small remark

That spark doth wax strong

As it grows and fills

Where it belongs

And gives strength

Where weakness was found

And illuminates whole worlds

So glorious, So profound

Ti's moments like this

That I sit in wonder

And meditate on

How suddenly things

Can be ripped asunder

As fast as a clap of thunder

The enemy is friend

The friend is life

And forgotten

Is the ongoing strife

That sometimes, is life

They say in this place

Is worth being

The heart doth race

As we quicken our pace

And of bitterness and pain

But residual trace

The Higher power to us unknown

Only through each other

Can a trace be shown

What greater reason to live

Than to receive and

To another give

The Creator giving us

Another chance

To relive

-Shiidon, January 2011

This poem came to me this morning. I was just about to get into grading and other tasks when I felt the need to write. Without delay I sat and put these thoughts on paper. I speak to myself from time to time. No, not in an unhealthy way. We all speak to ourselves but when I find myself alone it sometimes helps to be reassured by a voice, even if it is yours. Sort of like pinching yourself to know you are not in a dream. This morning I woke up speaking Persian to myself. I am very amused. Yes, English is my first language. However, regardless of what many Persians think, I am also Iranian as my mother raised me. The other amusing time I had with language was mentioned earlier when I was in four days of delirium and found myself crying out in two languages. Each language had a purpose that I can't explain or understand as I was... well I was delirious. While most of my poems are heartfelt, not all are sorrowful. Once in a while one like this comes to me.

Unfulfilled Dreams

UNFULFILLED DREAMS

I look into your eyes

And dreams unfulfilled

Do I spy

Those of yours

And those of mine

I often ponder

And my mind

Doth wander

Upon the elusive

And find myself, reclusive

And dare I say

Self-abusive

What is it

That brings you to me

Is it hope

Or destiny

One way or the other

I must cope

Do I see in you

What I want for me

Or is it simply

With whom

I want to be

I believe I know

What is meant to give

But the longer

In this world I live

I learn how little

I know and look for one

Who will me forgive

Would I know

How to receive

And not simply

From one who

Doth deceive

But who’ll ease

The burden

from me relieve

I used to think

In this alone I was

And that it t’was

A long lost cause

But nay, I do find

That in each other

We do ourselves remind

And when we give

Receive in kind

-Shiidon, January 2011

No, I am not actually looking into anyones eyes, it is poetic license. I have found myself not stirring from my home for over 24 hours and will not leave before my commitments to tutor study circles tomorrow. I have had a lot of time to reflect and think. These thoughts inevitably lead me to write. My creative outlet at this time is my poetry. Indeed, regardless of anything else I may find to occupy my time, I will continue to write my poetry. I find myself driven to write from time to time. Recently I have been driven to write a book of sorts or guide which is business related. We shall see. One thing that has had its effect is the withdrawal of family after the holidays (thought not my holidays it is the time everyone can take off) or the recent silence of dear friends. Needless to say, these are all normal parts of life that we all cope with.

Long-Suffering

LONG-SUFFERING

Again and again

I lay my heart bare

And set it before

Someone

For whom I care

Each and every time

I go this way

It brings sorrow

And dismay

And the waves of self-destruction

I can’t belay

Oh how I long

To sever myself

From these dreams

Those that

It would seem

Bring forth anguish

A fate for life

For me deemed

At what point

Will I give up

And stop the dreaming

The hope

The desire

And burn them all

On life’s funeral pyre

Methinks the mistake

That I do make

Is that to someone

I do rate

Long-suffering to me

Is innate

My caring for others

Knows no bounds

But the revers, for me

Hath not been found

As I sleep tonight

I hope and pray

These hopeless dreams

Will go away

And I can focus

On one more day

-Shiidon, January 2011

This poem came to me late last week. There were ups and downs but it ended on a high note of sorts. I took both John and Winrik to dinner and a movie. It was the last time to do this before John moved to Dallas. We saw Tron Legacy in Imax 3D and it was well worth it. The movie was fantastic and the company was great. We had a great time and then I took Winrik home. On the way back to Lakeway to drop John off we stopped at the convenience store for coffee and snacks, a routine we did for years. It was John who, many years ago suggested getting something to drink on the way home years ago. Regardless of going to a conference, a Reflections Gathering or an event, we always stopped off for drinks and snacks. So in a way this was a point of closure for me.

I now find myself, well... by myself. Winrik is at home, John is in Dallas, Travis is at his grandmothers and Shervin is working. Shahdi is in Ruidoso and I am in my fortress of solitude. I am enjoying this time now and appreciate it as must as possible. Life has a way of surprising you and I don't want, as reflected upon in an earlier post, to take this time for granted.

Enjoy life, be happy and keep smiling :-)

Imbued Spirit

IMBUED SPIRIT

I look with gratitude

At these times of solitude

No state we are in

Lasts forever

They end and begin

We oft look back

And regret

The times wasted

And the learning we lack

Seize each moment

Make them count

The knowledge, learning

Flowing from, life’s fount

Each day’s a gift

There’s no telling

When our world will rift

Time is short

And passes swift

Oftentimes we long

For a place or person

With whom to belong

And neglect ourselves

In this were wrong

How much better

Can we be

When we live each day

And with open eyes

The world

We see

As we live life

To its fullest

We will approach

In days to come

Ourselves, our truest

We can be

One day

It may be seen

That in a place or person

I will have come to be

And if and when

That ever come

I hope my best

I will have become

Many will say

The one to please

Is the person

In the mirror we see

What I know

Deep in my heart

Is to serve mankind

To do my part

Is my obligation

To the Lord of creation

And in the end

It is what

For others we do

That true joy doth

Our soul imbue

-Shiidon, January 2011

I have often reflected on time. I remember living in visiting the Bahá'í House of Worship in the Chicago area four years after moving away. I climbed it's steps and by the time I reached the eighteenth step I was in tears. What came to me on reflection was that I had taken for granted that special place while I lived there. I have tried not to take things for granted as much as I can. For example, I lived in the Corpus Christi area of Texas for what was to be only six months. I remember often stopping at the beach on the way home and walking up to the water, dipping my fingers into the waves and touching them to my lips. In this way, 24 years later, I have no regrets. I love the ocean and often spent a few minutes there. This week John and Jacob, two of the young men that lived here off and on while my children were here are striving for a new life in Dallas and will be gone. I don't regret any of the times we had, the time money and effort spent on keeping up the house while they were finding their way in life through these past years.

Now I find myself with time on my hands. I have buried myself in tutoring English online to those who are deprived of education and tutoring Ruhi books here in the Austin area. It is what brings satisfaction in my life. I am content with the way things are and happy with life in general. While I miss my children and those of whom I consider my children now that they are gone, I find a sense of satisfaction in the fact that I can now watch them begin to soar in this world of wonders.